I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
