I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
