I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Two words: nipple clamps
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