My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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