Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
