He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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