Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
