He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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