Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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