Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
