Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
