sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
