i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
