you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
