My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
