i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
