so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
