Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
