I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
