Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
