I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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