GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
