I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
