she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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