there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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