I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
