so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
