you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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