Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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