No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
