im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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