new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Let's get the cat blown out
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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