I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
