I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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