I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
