Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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