Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
