the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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