Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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