He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
