I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
