i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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