Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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