I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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