I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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