The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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