do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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