What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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