just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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