It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
